The importance of exploring and talking death.
You don’t plan on dying tomorrow, but you should.
If you died tomorrow would you be okay with someone discovering the entire contents of your home and laptop? Who keeps the dog? What song will your family and friends listen to at your ultimate life celebration?
In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to think about these things until we’re old and grey, our hearts filled with a lifetime of memories.
But we do not exist in a perfect world. The unimaginable happens everyday.
So much time is spent fixating and planning the details of our life, the outcome uncertain. Yet death is a certainty, and we sweep it under the rug every day.
It’s unnerving to think about. The unknown always is. People are fascinated by death when it’s far away, but we never like to imagine the grim reaper knocking at our own front door.
As individuals, and as a western culture, we need to get better acquainted with death. If not for our own metaphysical health, then for our family and loved ones.
Grief is unavoidable. But there are steps you can take today that will relieve your family and loved ones of the painful uncertainties that too often get piled on top of grief.
Get comfortable being curious and talking about death
No one lives to tell what happens after we die. But since the dawn of man we have been fascinated to solve death’s mystery. Endless theories are rooted in religion, science, culture, and stories shared by those who have come close to dying.
Death curiosity is not only healthy, it’s vital to our human expression.
Otto Rank, Austrian psychoanalyst, was a 20 year colleague of Sigmund Freud. Rank, once Freud’s protégé, would go on to challenge Freud’s theory about why people cling to possibilities of life after death.
Freud theorized people fear a final end because they fear a loss of love. Rank believed people seek life after death because they are conditioned at birth to have an internal anxiety of mortality.
This anxiety plants a will to defy fate and be immortalized. Leading to the seasoning of life. Rank believes art is born from this anxiety. Art having the ability to surpass mortal life.
Without the distraction of poetry, music, and paintings we would be painstakingly aware of the inevitable rot and decay of life.
Suppression of death fear is harmful.
For many, current death coping is pretending it will never happen to them or their loved ones. Then when it does, expected, or tragically unexpected, the grieving are at a complete loss of comprehension and they shut down in a state of trauma.
This system isn’t good enough. We can not shield our parents, friends, or children from the pain of loss. But through conversation, we can work towards a healthier acceptance of death.
Start the conversation by telling people how important they are to you. Express love and assure each other that death does not negate that love. Share your personal beliefs of what happens when you pass. Ask theirs. Discuss any wishes or hopes you would have for your loved ones should you not be around to say those things later.
It may feel uncomfortable at first. But it will be the talk that saves them and helps them to carry on, should the unthinkable happen.
Plan on dying
Why not become better organized at dying? Be at ease knowing that if your time were to come too soon, your family and loved ones would be taken care of. Your will, and your message would be carried out exactly as you would like.
You can create an account with Everplans.com. They make it easy for you to set up a life insurance policy, create a will, organize all your bills, and they help out with important things you don’t even think of.
Like who should get the password to your phone. If you are not married, who should make decisions, should you not be able to. There’s also a plan on what to do with all your digital profiles.
It’s not as fun as planning your next vacation, but it’s nice to have guidance when it comes to sorting out the details of your life once it ends.
Give thought to what should happen with your body after you no longer need it. A traditional casket burial is still common, but in the last few decades people are becoming more aware of the environmental toll this takes and choosing alternate options.
There are now biodegradable caskets and urns. There’s the option of being donated in the name of research and science. Cremated ashes can be planted into a tree, made into jewelry, pressed into your favorite vinyl record, the creative possibilities are endless.
You get to decide. Just don’t wait until it’s too late.
Befriend death
Death contemplation is heavy. Take a deep breath for yourself. Appreciate how precious your life is, how precious your breath is. Find grace in all that you experience, the joys and sorrows.
“That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet.”
- Emily Dickinson
Although it is scary to think about dying and losing our loved ones, there is a peace that comes from facing and accepting the fear. Staring into mortality makes us feel more alive. More gracious. More present.
It’s time that death be given the same stage as life. Keeping death hidden in the shadows isn’t helping anyone. It isn’t saving any of us from pain. Nothing can save us from that pain. But we can do better about embracing, and accepting our mortality.
Become curious about death. Learn to talk about dying with your family, or with a stranger in a coffee shop. Be bold enough to plan ahead for the inevitable.
And every once in a while, give death a little wink and a smile.
