Normalize being single in your 30s as a healthy relationship status
Don’t feel bad for us, we are our own epic love story.
We’ve come a long way from a one-size fits all love story. But only a generation ago, if you were not married with children by your 30s, society casted you as a lonely character in a sad story. Your cats, the supporting role.
It’s the 21st year of the 21st century and we’ve taken notable steps away from tradition and towards authenticity. Influential social leaders and our best friends proudly armor up with self-love proclamation and live beyond the need for attachment.
But the steps feel small and the voices of those who feel badly for us singles are irritably loud. Being single in your 30s has become the funny, “I choose wine over children,” meme. Or a need to prove to others and ourselves, how strong and okay we are.
Being single in your 30s deserves to be normalized and accepted as a healthy relationship status. Being single in your thirties is incredible. It’s complex, fun, lonely, beautiful, and then some.
Like a relationship between two people, the relationship you develop with yourself once you’ve surpassed your young twenties is an epic love story. For better or worse, you can’t imagine your life without the journey of solitude.
Being single in your 30s improves overall well-being
Just last week I was having a lovely dinner alone. It was about 9pm, I was two puffs in my THC/CBD hybrid pen. I microwaved my Trader Joe’s gluten-free macaroni and cheese and brought dinner into my bedroom.
I turned up my playlist to Matt and Kim and danced around, simultaneously stuffing my face. The thought crept in, if I was married with children this would not be happening right now.
Not to say one scenario is better than the other. But when you are single in your 30s there’s a lot more playtime to explore. Your spare time isn’t pulled in any direction outside your own, and you can indulge in activities that are enriching to your spirit.
Psychiatrist Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play in Carmel Valley, California, explains that playtime for adults contributes largely to reducing stress and overall well-being.
Playtime is a way to detach from place and time and indulge our senses in presence and pleasure.
Brown explains that playtime is just as vital as sleep. When we don’t exercise our playful outlets, our well-being suffers. Without adequate play, people begin to feel rigid and stuck, or victimized by life.
With more time for play, singles in their 30s tend to have a fulfilling sense of freedom and meaningful connection to themselves and the world.
Too much time is spent defending why you’re single in your 30s
You will spend time contemplating and defending your love life to others and yourself when you’re single in your 30s.
Well-meaning friends constantly ask for love life updates. As if it’s the most centric part of your world. And when things in your love life aren’t going so hot, or simply not going at all, there’s a sense of shame. Followed by the need to assure them, that although you’re still single, you are well and fine.
For Valentine’s day I posted that the celebration of love is just as much for me, being single, as it is for couples. I felt really strong in that stance. My mother read it, and with strained hope in her voice said, “next year you’ll have a valentine.”
To which I replied, “and what if I don’t?” I know she meant well. That she only wants me to be happy. I am happy. But sometimes it feels being happy on my own isn’t as worthy as being happy with someone else.
Doubt and judgement also come from within when you’re single in your 30s. One day you’re confident as ever, feeling exactly where you want to be in life. The next night you’re lying awake, wondering if there is something wrong or unlovable about you.
Deeply rooted conditioning contributes to these negative dialogues concerning being single in your later years. Tying the knot has been an idolized way of life since 1250–1300 CE. Reasons for marrying back then were to secure property, create allyship between families, and own women for the sole sake of securing bloodlines through bearing children.
It wasn’t until the late 18th century that people began to marry for love. Eventually leading to countless fairy tales that teach little girls, life will be roses once a prince comes along and sweeps them up.
Falling in love, getting married , and raising children can be a wonderful and fulfilling goal and journey through life. But not doing those things can be just as fulfilling.
Falling in love with places around the world, numerous people, your dream job, or your damn self is a rich way to express and receive love and joy.
Stop asking singles why they aren’t upholding tradition from over 3,000 years ago. Rather, start celebrating the opportunity of healthy self-awareness and independence that comes from being single in your 30s.
Being single in your 30s isn’t celebrated enough
Those who get married are showered in gifts and praised. Marriage is treated like an accomplishment and a status of success.
That’s all good and fine. Weddings are a gorgeous way for a couple to be celebrated for their love and commitment. Plus they’re fun as hell.
But no one celebrates the love and commitments you have with yourself when you’re single. I’d love to register at Target and be thrown a party for committing to loving myself with unwavering honor.
There’s no card that says, “congratulations on navigating this crazy life alone. Stay fierce.” But maybe one day there will be.
Maybe one day mothers won’t look at their daughters with concern and pity simply because they don’t have someone to point towards as a measure of their value and worth. Maybe the choice to not have children can be just as honored and adored as choosing to have children.
Until then, singles will continue to celebrate the love we hold for ourselves. We will go to Target and buy our own damn toaster.
